Great God Pan

Still reeling from the violent slaying of Donna Karan's terrier by a pair of furious swans, New York City residents now face an even greater nemesis. Recent sightings of a 10-foot-long manatee in the Hudson River have even the most stolid of metropolites a tremble.

The manatee—a herbivore capable of inhaling up to 150 lbs. of sea grass daily—was first spotted off 23rd Street near the Chelsea Piers, later moving up towards Harlem at West 125th Street. Recently he’s been seen near Sleepy Hollow in Westchester County, hanging around the Tappan Zee section of the Hudson, earning him the nickname "Tappie" (not to be confused with Jamaican singer Tappa Zukie, who was equally controversial in his day for being the subject of a Robert Mapplethorpe photograph).

Odd as it may seem, Manatee encounters are not entirely unheard of in New England. Wayward sea cows are infrequently spotted off Long Island and even Rhode Island, but as we all know, they are much more comfortable down in Florida dodging the propellers of pleasure boats. And none have ever attempted a frontal assault of the Hudson. “I’ve been on the river my entire life,” said John H. Vargo, the septuagenarian publisher of Boating on the Hudson magazine and go-to source for scoop-hungry Gotham reporters. “I’ve seen dolphins and everything else, but never a manatee.”

As a guest on NPR last week, Vargo told host Michelle Norris that the creature (“I guess you would call it a mammal”) had “found heaven” in the river munching away on “some grass down there.” Across the city, conversations were abuzz with “what ifs” and “I seen its.” The Bridge and Tunnel Club News reported this heart-stopping encounter between two Haverstraw teenagers and something indescribable. “We were just off Croton Point and we saw what looked like a fat log in front of us, but then it rolled and swam away,” one of the boys said. “I’ve never seen a log do that.”

Those of you asleep or on vacation last March may have missed the similarly riveting saga of a young coyote (inexplicably nicknamed Hal) who somehow found his way into the city’s Central Park. Reports of a “wolf-like animal” led police to corner the critter in the park's southeast corner. It was thought the beast had wandered down from Westchester, through the Bronx, though some suggested the cunning omnivore had crossed the Hudson from New Jersey “by way of a bridge or a passing truck.” This latter theory is doubtful, however, as coyotes do not have opposable thumbs.

The unfortunate Hal was ultimately felled by police sharpshooters near Belvedere Castle, home of the annual Shakespeare in the Park theater series. Hal had eluded a thirty-man dragnet for nearly twenty hours by darting across a busy ice skating rink, jumping into a pond, and squeezing through a fence. His desperate bid for freedom and ultimate apprehension was broadcasted live on teevee by cameras crews hovering overhead in news choppers.

Tranquilized into submission, Hal, like many in police custody, died a few days later. "Can’t have a coyote on the loose" was the city’s reasoning. Never mind that there is only one record EVER of a coyote seriously injuring a human, and that was in California when a toddler dressed as a chicken for Halloween wandered into the animal’s warren unannounced. To put it in perspective, there were 47 fatal dog attacks in California alone last year. And that danged bird flu has already snuffed out close to fifty folks over there in Thailand. Just for your information, Central Park is still full of dozens of the potentially lethal feathered friends, including two known killer swans .*

So far, New Yorkers have welcomed Tappie with open arms, but when animal control officials bump the Animal Danger level up to Orange to match the Terrorism alert (it may not be a coincidence that several empty sport beverage containers were seen floating in the vicinity of Tappie’s last sighting), we’ll see how long he stays in the public favor. In the meantime, as long as he can avoid the blades of booze-cruising cigarette boats and toxic algae blooms, Tappie should have an excellent adventure.

And if he’s smart (and isn’t carrying a false passport), Tappie’ll loll around Long Island while the weather’s good and then hightail it back down to the Keys before winter hits, possibly joining up with manatee adoptees who can pull in up to 25 bucks a month and all the grass they can eat for just being adorable.

Meanwhile, out here in California, an 8-foot alligator is still on the loose in a lake in Harbor City. Having dodged capture for close to a year now, Reggie has hundreds of families who visit him every weekend, tossing tortillas and chicken his way. Vendors hawk t-shirts with his image that reads “You’ll Never Catch Me” in both Spanish and English. He even has his own blog and theme song.

* Actually just one killer swan. One died soon thereafter, apparently of natural causes, though police questioned Karan due to the "revenge angle" and the designer's disregard for animals as exemplified by the habitual use of fur in her lines.