Help I’m Iraq

FRP BOULDER.jpg“Smeared with dirt and pebbles to give it the color and texture of a rock, the polyurethane blob” first attracted the attention of keen-eyed Staff Sgt. Dick Sprinter during a raid on a Shiite safe house. “I knew it as soon as I saw it,” Sprinter told reporters. “Fucking Iranians.”

According to top ranking military officials, the recent discovery of a fake boulder filled with explosives in a car in the southern city of Hilla “clearly displays the insurgency’s wicked grasp of guerilla tactics.” Normally used to disguise Jacuzzi motors in landscaped backyards, hollow fabrications like these have thus far remained outside the terrorists’ vernacular.

U.S. officials went public with their find at a news conference in Baghdad’s Green Zone. What made this seizure so unique was the type of device found. Crammed into the uncomfortably small backseat of a Toyota sedan was a 200-pound homemade bomb secreted inside a massive faux stone. “How the hell did they get a big rock like that into a two-door?” wondered a puzzled Marine. “It looked like something from Land of the Lost.”

In a region that has been so historically unfamiliar with war and strife, the big question that has been looming over Operation Freedom up until now is who exactly is arming the insurgency? “Until now we had no idea where the insurgents were getting their weapons,” said one official, who insisted on anonymity. “It was like they were just materializing out of thin air.” Newfound intelligence, however, may soon help the U.S. close in on the culprits. “When we find out,” said one regional official. “We’re gonna bomb them.”

Though it’s appearance led to early speculation that it was the work of Pakistani special effects wizards, it was the “guts” of the boulder that left investigators no doubt to its origins. It was filled with small concave discs that, according to the New York Times, “look like a thick little alms plate or even a souvenir ashtray minus the indentations for holding cigarettes.” These discs, authorities say, are designed to melt when ignited, hurling molten slabs of metal capable of piercing armored vehicles. According to Army spokesmen, Iran, historically known as the world’s leading alms plate and souvenir ashtray manufacturer, is the obvious culprit behind such a dastardly device.

Explosives expert Major Matt Weiner agrees that bombs like these might likely be products of Iran. “You can never be certain,” Major Weiner said. “But having been part of a convoy once that drove pretty close to the Iranian border, I could tell that they probably have some pretty high-tech stuff going on there, what with the nuclear scientists and all.”

Not everyone was so convinced, however. John Pike, director of, a research group based in Alexandria, Va. doesn’t believe that the copper discs could only have come from ashtray technicians in Iran. “All that is required are machine tools, he said. “You can buy them.”
“I mean, look at all those cylinders people use for L.P.G. cooking gas,” he added. “Do you think they are all imported from Iran? Probably not. I bet there are guys all over Iraq who make those things for a living.”

The real revelation to all this disclosure came late in the U.S.’s announcement. “At the heart of some of the bombs found in Iraq,” read the report. “Is a type of infrared sensor commonly sold at electronic stores like Radio Shack.”

“Bingo,” agreed Sgt. Sprinter. “Iranian Radio Shack managers WITHIN the United States are clearing their shelves of garage door openers and universal remotes and smuggling them, possibly through Al Qaeda operatives in Pakistan, into the hands of Iraqi insurgents.” His solution? “The entire frickin’ chain could be wiped out by Reservists on weekend training. Easily.”

But roadside bombs are not the only weapon American servicemen need to worry about. Nearly everyone in Iraq owns a gun. According to Wikpedia, the list of countries which currently manufacture the popular AK-47 assault rifle reads like a who’s who of global evildoers. Romania, Poland, East Germany—the very countries who are making the world unsafe every day with their audacious meddling in world politics. Check the papers, hardly a day goes by without news of some Polish thuggery on a global scale. “That could be a more undercover op,” suggested Sgt. Sprinter. “Maybe kidnap the families of the heads of their governments until they stop making guns.”

And just because the U.S. is the biggest arms producer in the entire history of the entire world doesn’t mean that any of our weapons ended up in the hands of bad guys in Iraq. “That’s preposterous,” asserted Sgt. Sprinter. “There might be a few weapons left over from the British when they were helping Hussein battle those pesky Kurds back in the ‘80s, but we keep pretty close tabs on our own armaments.” When pressed on the fact that munitions recently seized from pro-Sadr insurgents bore U.S. markings, Sgt. Sprinter was quick to explain. “They were obviously stolen from when the Ayatollah took over the embassy and got all those hostages in the ‘80s. I’m telling you, it’s the Iranians.”